– I’m a bit fuzzy on the timeline –
On this day, as with most days, everything was business as usual: Awake by 4:00 A.M., forcing myself awake for real at 4:30 A.M. after resetting my alarm clock six times, in to work at 5:00 A.M. to haul boxes of supplies for the next eight hours while my boss consistently tells us how far behind we are from the moment we step through the door —
(I still have yet to understand how you can be behind in your work before you even start…)
The good thing about my boss [Pablo] is that he will often jump in and work with us to get things done.
The bad thing about him… is that he will often jump in and work with us to get things done —
(He’s not exactly the most organized or efficient worker… or even the least, for that matter. So his “help” doesn’t really help)
So while I was cutting open boxes of supplies to stock on the shelf, [Pablo] joined in, and instead of using the Box Cutter to… you know, cut open the box… he decided that it was more efficient to just punch the top of the box to weaken it so he could rip it open.
What he seemed not to realize is that in an office supply store, not everything we carry in the store is soft enough to punch into without either breaking the product or your own hand.
As you might expect, [Pablo] punched the wrong box which happened to be full of densely packed bundles of paper pads, and injured his hand.
As you might not expect —
(I know I sure didn’t)
— He flew into an intense rage of swearing and shaking his hand about, and I saw something strange in his flaring green-glowing eyes… they normally aren’t green, and as far as I can recall didn’t normally radiate a bright warm glow of light!
At this point, I expected that I may not want to stick around to finish my job. I took maybe two steps back from him by the time his clothes started to rip and tear under the strain of his muscles swelling underneath, growing to an unnatural size in mere seconds!
Saliva foamed and dripped from his gaping mouth like a rabid animal.
His skin had taken on the same kind of green luminescence as his eyes. He was effectively turning into some kind of Incredible Hu— [Green Rage Monster]!
His head whipped around at me. I spun around and ran—
— right into a display shelf.
I tripped, fell, stumbled all over myself like I didn’t know how to use my legs.
(You know when you watch horror movies, and you think the characters are stupid for falling all over themselves when they’re being chased by the monster? Yeah… that was me this time)
The [Green Rage Monster] swooped me up in one enormous meat-hunk of a fist and bit down on my mid-section —
— I screamed like a little girl as it’s blunt teeth crushed some of my ribs and I was bathed in frothy rancid-smelling saliva.
The worst-case scenario ran through my mind like… well, like someone who could apparently run better than I could:
That this damn smell would never come out.
I knew that if I didn’t do something fast his teeth would grind my bones… to make his bread… er… never mind.
So I did the only thing that I could think of:
I thrust my entire arm into his mouth as far as I could! I stretched and reached until I found that little dangly-thing that hangs in the back of your throat… what’s that thing called? Uvula? Something like that…
I gripped with all my fading strength —
(I didn’t really have all that much to start with)
— and pulled as hard as I could!
The [Green Rage Monster] choked, gagged, dropped me to the floor like a rag-doll… and promptly vomited all over me.
Really, I know that he had grown in size, but where did all that come from!? It’s not like the contents of his stomach increased in size as well. He didn’t eat anything after he had transformed. I just don’t get how such an intense geyser of bile and food waste could have erupted from his disgusting gullet to damn-near drown me like it did…
Anyway, he tromped off back to his office where he changed back and presumably got a change of clothes.
He apologized and gave me a day off.
Seriously, I should get a raise.